Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
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I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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