Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
did i just pee glitter
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
