i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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