you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
