Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
