so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
