My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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