this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
