Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
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Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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