you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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