I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
