if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
