After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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