I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
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I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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