believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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