every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
