I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
These tits shall not be calmed
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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