i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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