What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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