he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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