she looked like the before picture.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
