You smell like a Billy Joel song
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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