just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just made my gag reflex go away.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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