There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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