It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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