What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
