omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
