You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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