Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
