I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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