think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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