I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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