my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Found your dick twin last night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
