"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
