i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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