i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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