I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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