in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize