So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
