i already hear my dad disowning me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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