The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
