my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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