Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
