ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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