you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
