Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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