Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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