Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
