the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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