I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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