Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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