FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
