I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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