I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
