You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
