I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
