You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
