so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
