apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
