so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
