It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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